Call me old fashioned, sentimental, sappy even, but to me there is no better way to awaken then the sound of police sirens and passing trains! Sure I feel a bit entitled to live in such a high class neighborhood, but you know what, I’m worth it gosh darn it! While in bed, on those special mornings if you lie very still and listen carefully, you can hear the faint sound of the homeless hurling themselves in front of the train. Yup, morning has arrived!
After the third thud of homeless splatter I realize I’m hungry. With this epiphany I recognize I have been playing favorites and only writing about my significantly above average dinners, what about the most important meal of the day? So I suggest you sit down, grab a cup of joe (that’s white slang for coffee I’m told) and prepare yourself for the breakfast cooking lesson of the day, possible week!
Step 1: Get out of Bed
Sounds easy but I assure you this is no walk in the park. Don’t take this for granted and prepare thoroughly before trying anything crazy. I recommend a simple to remember three step process before taking that leap of faith onto the carpet, or fake wood flooring for you rich folk. For those of you like me who have memory issues, don’t you fret, just remember the acronym SAC. That’s right when you open those pretty eyes of yours the first thing I want to pop into your mind and out of your mouth is SAC.
Sounds easy but I assure you this is no walk in the park. Don’t take this for granted and prepare thoroughly before trying anything crazy. I recommend a simple to remember three step process before taking that leap of faith onto the carpet, or fake wood flooring for you rich folk. For those of you like me who have memory issues, don’t you fret, just remember the acronym SAC. That’s right when you open those pretty eyes of yours the first thing I want to pop into your mind and out of your mouth is SAC.
S stands for Stretch
Really work the gluts, they are the key muscle group when removing yourself from your place of slumber. Next you are going to want to work the toes, really stretch those bad boys out, also clear any toe jam that could get caught up in the sheets and cause a nasty fall. Now that you are loose you are ready to take SAC to the next level.
Really work the gluts, they are the key muscle group when removing yourself from your place of slumber. Next you are going to want to work the toes, really stretch those bad boys out, also clear any toe jam that could get caught up in the sheets and cause a nasty fall. Now that you are loose you are ready to take SAC to the next level.
A stands for Atone
It’s important to remember that anything can happen while getting out of bed, this is no laughing matter. So in the unfortunate instance you don’t make it through this you want to make sure you’re ready to pass peacefully. We all know what happens if you die and have not atoned for your mishaps, you turn into a ghost and have to star in crappy movies like Paranormal Activity 3. Also the body will stink if no one finds you and that’s just not fair to your neighbors. Questions? Good, you’re now ready for the last and most important part of SAC!
It’s important to remember that anything can happen while getting out of bed, this is no laughing matter. So in the unfortunate instance you don’t make it through this you want to make sure you’re ready to pass peacefully. We all know what happens if you die and have not atoned for your mishaps, you turn into a ghost and have to star in crappy movies like Paranormal Activity 3. Also the body will stink if no one finds you and that’s just not fair to your neighbors. Questions? Good, you’re now ready for the last and most important part of SAC!
C stands for Call a Friend
You must let a friend know you are about to get out of bed. I recommend setting a follow up time to check back, personally I use 13 minutes, but whatever you’re comfortable with is fine. As soon as this call back time is breached the friend has specific instructions and these are not optional. One second after time breach the friend calls the police to file a missing person report. They are going to have to lie and say they have not seen you for a few days otherwise the bacon patrol will not do anything. As soon as that call is complete the friend will immediately call all news outlets to report you missing. Now you are going to have to be tricky about this because they may not think its news worthy. To be sure they listen, your friend will need to say they saw you being forced into a black limo at gunpoint by whom they are sure was President Hosni Mubarak. Third your friend is to call your immediate family with the difficult task of informing them you have passed away and it was painful and slow.
You must let a friend know you are about to get out of bed. I recommend setting a follow up time to check back, personally I use 13 minutes, but whatever you’re comfortable with is fine. As soon as this call back time is breached the friend has specific instructions and these are not optional. One second after time breach the friend calls the police to file a missing person report. They are going to have to lie and say they have not seen you for a few days otherwise the bacon patrol will not do anything. As soon as that call is complete the friend will immediately call all news outlets to report you missing. Now you are going to have to be tricky about this because they may not think its news worthy. To be sure they listen, your friend will need to say they saw you being forced into a black limo at gunpoint by whom they are sure was President Hosni Mubarak. Third your friend is to call your immediate family with the difficult task of informing them you have passed away and it was painful and slow.
Alright then, now that you are familiar with SAC I am ready to get out of bed and get this breakfast on the griddle! I carefully complete SAC and take one last breath. With the swiftness of a wood chuck on acid I swing my legs around and become vertical. I’ve done it, but at what cost. My mind starts to fade and everything is turning black, I feel my legs move and I quickly realize in my disregard for safety when I swung around I stood on my head instead of my feet. This is a common rookie error, but not for a professional like me. As I feel the blood rush to my head I think two things, the first is that I forgot to replace a light bulb in the basement. The second…..I guess the breakfast blog is going to have to wait until I gain consciousness again.
Nice Josh, I can always use funny!
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