So I have noticed an increase in postings on Facebook about what people make for dinner and I find it fascinating! So fascinating that I have decided to blog about what I make for dinner….welcome to Josh’s Café Cuisine. (Thanks for the inspiration Julie & Julia)
Day 1: Sesame Chicken: Sesame Breaded Chicken Tenderloins with Pasta
I would be lying if I said I was not nervous about diving into this task. What started as a thought has become reality, I now realize there is much work to be done! I start with the basics, cooking clothes. I decide to keep it casual but classy so I go with sweats and a tee shirt from 1998. The holes ripped into it over time help keep this finely tuned cooking machine from overheating during what I assume will be an intense session in the kitchen.
Once I finish tying the safety string on my sweats I walk into the kitchen with confidence. My bare feet hit the dirty linoleum and I feel a peace come over me, like someone poured a large pitcher of luke warm milk over my head and it slowly eased its way down my body. After taking a moment to imagine what it would be like to make love to a pitcher of milk I gather myself, its time!
As I open the freezer door it feels a little like opening a door to another world. What will I see, dragons, chocolate rivers, Rosanne Barr? Who knows? The anticipation is palpable, no really, it tasted like a rusty nail and a spoiled tuna sandwich, not just the tuna, the entire sandwich. Finally the freezer door is open and I see it sitting there looking at me. When exchange stares for what feels like hours, myself looking intensely at the box while the Lean Cuisine stares back with fire in its eyes. As I reach for the box a moment of anxiety comes over me, maybe it’s to dangerous, maybe I’m not ready, but I press on. No great man has ever let fear keep them from greatness.
My fingers grip the box and I quickly panic, it’s so cold. Should I have worn gloves? Should I have called a family member and asked them to check on me in 10 minutes? It’s too late now so I grip down and rip it out of the freezer in what I imagine was a impressive sight to see. Very similar to pulling the sword of Excalibur out of a stone, well maybe not stone, but at least an enormous block of warm butter.
I quickly set the entrée down on the counter, no turning back now. My nerves are quickly settled after some reassuring talk from the box top. No Preservatives….Made with Real White Meat Chicken….how did you know what I was wondering box? I free the entrée from its evil but knowledgeable box and proceed to the most challenging portion of this task......READING DIRECTIONS!
Microwave oven cooking instruction number one: Remove tray from box. (Already ahead of you box, one point for Josh) Cut film cover to vent. Uh oh, I’m not supposed to use sharp objects without adult supervision but what the hell, you only live once. I grip the butter knife and tear into the cover with a mad fury. Once the adrenaline rush subdues I proceed to direction number two: Cook on High 4 minutes. I debate the time, is 4 minutes enough, should I go 6 minutes at 70% power, so many options and decisions to make. I decide to go with the box on this one, she hasn’t let me down yet.
I hit 4 minutes on the microwave and grab a chair and bring it into the kitchen. I position it close enough to watch the timer hit 3:41 and continue to decrease but far enough away that if the microwave explodes the injuries will be superficial and not life threatening. I quickly dose off for the next 3:31, after all I deserve a little nap after all the work. Awaking I finish the countdown out loud in synch with the microwave….3…2...1….beep….beep….beep. Now what! I quickly remember there was a third direction and I hope there is still time to save the meal. I grab the box and read carefully direction number three: After cooking, let stand in microwave 1-2 minutes to complete cooking. Carefully remove tray from microwave. Carefully remove cover & enjoy!
I pace frantically until I feel I have met the 1-2 minute requirement and remove the meal with gloves I borrowed from the fire marshal. You can’t be too safe these days. I tear the cover off and hot water splashes on my face, damnit Josh, remember your instructions, carefully remove man! I regroup, and get the plastic cover off. I hit the silverware drawer and grab a fork when I hear a voice in my head. It told me this meal is too nice for a fork, I agree with myself and feel it’s time to use my special occasion dinnerware. Once I find the spork and take it out of the KFC plastic I sit at the table and prepare to feast. The candles are lit for mood of course because I know atmosphere is half the meal (write that down kids).
As I carefully dig in I make sure and get equal parts chicken and noodle. When it enters my mouth life becomes clear, this is what it’s all about. The only way to describe the taste with any justice takes extreme imagination. Imagine a piece of real white meat chicken, real noodles, and an old refrigerator cardboard box that was used as a hobo lavatory mated, their love child would be this super food! Sure it was difficult but it was worth every minute, all 4 of them. I can’t wait to see what’s for dinner tomorrow!
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