Cancer Parking

So lets face facts, it's inevitable that I will one day run for a prestigious position here in beautiful Franklin County.  I'm thinking Columbus Ohio Sergeant at Arms or something powerful sounding like that.  Basically I will be the guy holding the giant scissors to hand to the more important guy (or girl) who will then cut the ribbon at ground breaking events and grand openings.  Only classy events though like if they decide to bring a new Waffle House into town.

Let's get down to brass tax (see, I'm already speaking like a politician), I am here to announce my first resolution for you the people!  Please, be seated and stop cheering, we have a lot to get through.  Thank you.

My first order of business will be to add Cancer parking spots to all, and I mean all parking lots across my jurisdiction!  Now hear me out!  Today, we have handicap parking, and at some places we even have expectant mother parking, both are great!  But there will be some changes, and it will look a little like this.

The closest spots next to all buildings will be reserved for people whom have been diagnosed with any form of cancer.  In addition, all valet services that are available will not charge people whom have been diagnosed with cancer.  To all the people with cancer out there, you're welcome!

The handicap spots will be moved back and located after the cancer spots.  Now before you start crying about this lets step back and think a moment.  We'll use my make believe friend Sam who happens to have no legs for the purpose of this example.  Sam parks in the handi spots all the time, he loves the extra room and convenience.  Well Sam, if that is your real name, let me remind you that you DON'T have cancer so it's really not that inconvenient now is it?  When you're bitchen about wheeling a extra few feet remember you are not dying ass!

Expectant mothers, yep, bad news.  I hesitate to tell you this because I know you are very hormonal right now and may possibly eat my leg, however your parking will now be behind the handi spots which are in turn of course behind the cancer spots.  Let's be honest though, a little walking is good for the baby, and if you can't walk, stay home, and if you can't stay home, have your significant other go for you, and if you have no significant other, well maybe you should reexamine your lifestyle and make better choices now shouldn't you?

All other people, I want you to listen very close.  You will park far far far away from all buildings!  Deal with it, it's called walking and I'm pretty sure it's not going to kill you.  Judging from the people I see at the mall, an extra 100 yard walk into a mall will be GOOD for you, especially sense you are just going to beeline straight for Cinnabon once you get in there.  Really it's like getting one lick free of calories because you actually burned a few coming in, congrats!  And for you already fit folks, when it rains and you are getting wet on your way in and are cursing this change you may want to think about how awesome it is that you have a working body and, oh right YOU DON'T HAVE CANCER!

The time you lose from the extra long walk in will more than be made up for by you picking a spot far away and walking rather than recreating the Indy 500 lapping the lot just waiting for one of those first few spots to open up so you can save some tread on your new pair of crocks.  And for you spot stalkers, listen to me, it's not cool to drive 3 mph behind someone walking out of the store, then stopping when they get to their car, turning on your blinking and SCREWING the entire world cause that's your new claimed spot!  Take off you blinders captain you planet and have some consideration for others.

So lace'em up everyone, and put your faith in me, and VOTE JORDAN!