Gettin up for Grits

Call me old fashioned, sentimental, sappy even, but to me there is no better way to awaken then the sound of police sirens and passing trains!  Sure I feel a bit entitled to live in such a high class neighborhood, but you know what, I’m worth it gosh darn it!  While in bed, on those special mornings if you lie very still and listen carefully, you can hear the faint sound of the homeless hurling themselves in front of the train.  Yup, morning has arrived!

After the third thud of homeless splatter I realize I’m hungry. With this epiphany I recognize I have been playing favorites and only writing about my significantly above average dinners, what about the most important meal of the day?  So I suggest you sit down, grab a cup of joe (that’s white slang for coffee I’m told) and prepare yourself for the breakfast cooking lesson of the day, possible week!

Step 1: Get out of Bed
Sounds easy but I assure you this is no walk in the park.  Don’t take this for granted and prepare thoroughly before trying anything crazy.  I recommend a simple to remember three step process before taking that leap of faith onto the carpet, or fake wood flooring for you rich folk.  For those of you like me who have memory issues, don’t you fret, just remember the acronym SAC.  That’s right when you open those pretty eyes of yours the first thing I want to pop into your mind and out of your mouth is SAC. 

S stands for Stretch
Really work the gluts, they are the key muscle group when removing yourself from your place of slumber.  Next you are going to want to work the toes, really stretch those bad boys out, also clear any toe jam that could get caught up in the sheets and cause a nasty fall.  Now that you are loose you are ready to take SAC to the next level.

A stands for Atone
It’s important to remember that anything can happen while getting out of bed, this is no laughing matter.  So in the unfortunate instance you don’t make it through this you want to make sure you’re ready to pass peacefully.  We all know what happens if you die and have not atoned for your mishaps, you turn into a ghost and have to star in crappy movies like Paranormal Activity 3.  Also the body will stink if no one finds you and that’s just not fair to your neighbors. Questions? Good, you’re now ready for the last and most important part of SAC!

C stands for Call a Friend
You must let a friend know you are about to get out of bed.  I recommend setting a follow up time to check back, personally I use 13 minutes, but whatever you’re comfortable with is fine.  As soon as this call back time is breached the friend has specific instructions and these are not optional.  One second after time breach the friend calls the police to file a missing person report.  They are going to have to lie and say they have not seen you for a few days otherwise the bacon patrol will not do anything. As soon as that call is complete the friend will immediately call all news outlets to report you missing.  Now you are going to have to be tricky about this because they may not think its news worthy.  To be sure they listen, your friend will need to say they saw you being forced into a black limo at gunpoint by whom they are sure was President Hosni Mubarak. Third your friend is to call your immediate family with the difficult task of informing them you have passed away and it was painful and slow.

Alright then, now that you are familiar with SAC I am ready to get out of bed and get this breakfast on the griddle!  I carefully complete SAC and take one last breath.  With the swiftness of a wood chuck on acid I swing my legs around and become vertical.  I’ve done it, but at what cost.  My mind starts to fade and everything is turning black, I feel my legs move and I quickly realize in my disregard for safety when I swung around I stood on my head instead of my feet.  This is a common rookie error, but not for a professional like me.  As I feel the blood rush to my head I think two things, the first is that I forgot to replace a light bulb in the basement.  The second…..I guess the breakfast blog is going to have to wait until I gain consciousness again.  

Chili Inside and Chilly Outside!

It’s been three days since my last post.  I knew this would be hard I just had no idea how physically exhausting.  My last meal nearly took me down, but after three days bed rest I feel like I can muster up enough strength to continue.  Today’s challenge is one I thought I would never be able to conquer as a single man, but I feel the need to try!

What I assumed would be the easy part turned out to be treacherous! Getting the can out of the cupboard!  As I slowly ascended from my recliner to head for the kitchen I felt my first obstacle…lightheadedness!  With the raw determination of a lion I pressed on with no regard for my own safety.

I made it to the entrance of the kitchen and braced myself against the door frame for a good hour, I had made it.  My joy was quickly overcome by terror when I noticed the next challenge in front of me.  In the ten feet between myself and the delicious can of Hormel Turkey Chili (yes Hormel I will accept your endorsement deal) was a pile of shoes.  Yes, you heard me right SHOES.  I carefully tip toed past the first pair only to have the laces from the second pair attack my feet and take me down.  As I awoke on the ground face smashed into a loafer I realized I had been beat by a pair of Asics.  Karma’s a bitch and you’ll get yours someday!

After a short cry and a juice box I was back on track.  I reached the cupboard and pulled the can out and held it high while I let out a roar that would have made Thor himself shiver.  I cracked back the tab opening like it was nothing; after all I curl 3.5 lb weights at the gym so I think I can handle a tab top.  I grabbed a pot and headed over to the stove or as it is known in my home “the white thing next to the fridge that gets hot”.

As I turned the burner to light and saw a blue flame appear I felt a slight God complex as I had just created fire.  I placed the pot ever so gently on the burner and started the victory poor into the pot.  My speed was not adjusted properly and chili was flying everywhere.  I was in the mix; this is what it’s all about.  I quickly note to myself that next time I make chili I need to get my ski goggles for safety.

I see a bubble form and get excited, the time has come.  I empty the pot into a bowl and head back to the recliner paying close attention to avoid the demented pair of running shoes.  I carefully lower my ass into the recliner.  I grab the remote and hit play, no matter how many times I watch it I still get excited to see the Wizard of Oz on VHS.  I grab my spoon and dive it to taste my reward….ahhhhhhh, WTF, its cold.  I throw it out and order Chinese.

F cooking!

Chicken - Real White Meat.....I think

So I have noticed an increase in postings on Facebook about what people make for dinner and I find it fascinating!  So fascinating that I have decided to blog about what I make for dinner….welcome to Josh’s Café Cuisine. (Thanks for the inspiration Julie & Julia)

Day 1: Sesame Chicken: Sesame Breaded Chicken Tenderloins with Pasta

I would be lying if I said I was not nervous about diving into this task.  What started as a thought has become reality, I now realize there is much work to be done!  I start with the basics, cooking clothes.  I decide to keep it casual but classy so I go with sweats and a tee shirt from 1998.  The holes ripped into it over time help keep this finely tuned cooking machine from overheating during what I assume will be an intense session in the kitchen.

Once I finish tying the safety string on my sweats I walk into the kitchen with confidence.  My bare feet hit the dirty linoleum and I feel a peace come over me, like someone poured a large pitcher of luke warm milk over my head and it slowly eased its way down my body.  After taking a moment to imagine what it would be like to make love to a pitcher of milk I gather myself, its time!

As I open the freezer door it feels a little like opening a door to another world.  What will I see, dragons, chocolate rivers, Rosanne Barr?  Who knows?  The anticipation is palpable, no really, it tasted like a rusty nail and a spoiled tuna sandwich, not just the tuna, the entire sandwich.  Finally the freezer door is open and I see it sitting there looking at me.  When exchange stares for what feels like hours, myself looking intensely at the box while the Lean Cuisine stares back with fire in its eyes.  As I reach for the box a moment of anxiety comes over me, maybe it’s to dangerous, maybe I’m not ready, but I press on.  No great man has ever let fear keep them from greatness.

My fingers grip the box and I quickly panic, it’s so cold.  Should I have worn gloves?  Should I have called a family member and asked them to check on me in 10 minutes? It’s too late now so I grip down and rip it out of the freezer in what I imagine was a impressive sight to see.  Very similar to pulling the sword of Excalibur out of a stone, well maybe not stone, but at least an enormous block of warm butter. 

I quickly set the entrée down on the counter, no turning back now.  My nerves are quickly settled after some reassuring talk from the box top.  No Preservatives….Made with Real White Meat Chicken….how did you know what I was wondering box?  I free the entrée from its evil but knowledgeable box and proceed to the most challenging portion of this task......READING DIRECTIONS!

Microwave oven cooking instruction number one: Remove tray from box. (Already ahead of you box, one point for Josh) Cut film cover to vent.  Uh oh, I’m not supposed to use sharp objects without adult supervision but what the hell, you only live once.  I grip the butter knife and tear into the cover with a mad fury.  Once the adrenaline rush subdues I proceed to direction number two: Cook on High 4 minutes.  I debate the time, is 4 minutes enough, should I go 6 minutes at 70% power, so many options and decisions to make.  I decide to go with the box on this one, she hasn’t let me down yet.

I hit 4 minutes on the microwave and grab a chair and bring it into the kitchen.  I position it close enough to watch the timer hit 3:41 and continue to decrease but far enough away that if the microwave explodes the injuries will be superficial and not life threatening.  I quickly dose off for the next 3:31, after all I deserve a little nap after all the work.  Awaking I finish the countdown out loud in synch with the microwave….3…2...1….beep….beep….beep.  Now what!  I quickly remember there was a third direction and I hope there is still time to save the meal.  I grab the box and read carefully direction number three: After cooking, let stand in microwave 1-2 minutes to complete cooking. Carefully remove tray from microwave.  Carefully remove cover & enjoy!

I pace frantically until I feel I have met the 1-2 minute requirement and remove the meal with gloves I borrowed from the fire marshal.  You can’t be too safe these days. I tear the cover off and hot water splashes on my face, damnit Josh, remember your instructions, carefully remove man!  I regroup, and get the plastic cover off.  I hit the silverware drawer and grab a fork when I hear a voice in my head.  It told me this meal is too nice for a fork, I agree with myself and feel it’s time to use my special occasion dinnerware.  Once I find the spork and take it out of the KFC plastic I sit at the table and prepare to feast.  The candles are lit for mood of course because I know atmosphere is half the meal (write that down kids). 

As I carefully dig in I make sure and get equal parts chicken and noodle.  When it enters my mouth life becomes clear, this is what it’s all about.  The only way to describe the taste with any justice takes extreme imagination.  Imagine a piece of real white meat chicken, real noodles, and an old refrigerator cardboard box that was used as a hobo lavatory mated, their love child would be this super food!  Sure it was difficult but it was worth every minute, all 4 of them.  I can’t wait to see what’s for dinner tomorrow!